I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
