a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
