You work out of a Hotel?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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