May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
