I skipped work to stalk him.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
