We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
