The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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