The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
