last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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