i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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