My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
