he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
