Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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