a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Randomize
