So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
