Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
