I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
