I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He called his prostate his "boner button".
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
