i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
