just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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