So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
