You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
