My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
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