I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
