On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
