If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
