I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
