Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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