This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
