I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
