White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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