final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
