if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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