It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
