went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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