totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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