u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
