Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
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