in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
