So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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