We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
