I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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