Can i not drive my cunt home
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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