That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
