Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
