so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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