And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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