fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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