i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
