I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
