I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
